Mark Twain humor

Mark Twain in his early days was editor of a Missouri newspaper. A superstitious subscriber wrote him, saying that he had found a spider in his paper, and asked whether that was a sign of good or bad luck. The humorist wrote this answer and printed it: "Old Subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store, spin his web across the door, and live a life of undisturbed peace ever afterwards."

knowing the future

One of the most humane things the designer of this world did was to plan his system so that we are ignorant of the future. If we knew exactly what would happen to us a year from today, two years or ten years from. today, many of us would quit right where we stand. When the stock market crashed some years ago, we who had been playing a game we knew nothing about lost money. If we had known a year before that all our life's savings would -be swept away some day, many of us would have found no incentive to keep on. There is a story told about a man who had been worrying over heavy losses that had reduced his millions to a bare pittance.
One day a fairy came to this man and told him she would grant him anyone wish he might make. The man thought a few minutes, and then said, "My wish is to see a newspaper published one year from today." Immediately the fairy handed him the newspaper published exactly a year in advance. He turned quickly to' the financial page, ran his fingers nervously up and down the list of stocks, and leaping from his chair shouted, "Hurrah! I'm worth fifteen million dollars. Isn't that wonderful?" Then carelessly turning over to the obituary page his glance fell on a report that made him gasp, "Great Heavens! I died two days ago!"

Odium Theologicum

They met and they talked where the crossroads meet,

Four men from the four winds come,
And they talked of the horse, for they loved the theme,
And never a man was dumb.
And the man from the North loved the strength of the horse,
And the man from the East his pace,
And the man from the South loved the speed of the horse,
The man from the West his grace.

So these four men from the four winds come,
Each paused a space in his course
And smiled in the face of his fellow man
And lovingly talked of the horse.
Then each man parted and went his way
As their different courses ran;
And each man journeyed with peace in his heart
And loving his fellow man.

They met the next year where the crossroads meet,
Four men from the four winds come;
And it chanced as they met that they talked of God,
And never a man was dumb.
One imaged God in the shape of a man.
A spirit did one insist;
One said that nature itself was God,
One said that he didn't exist.

But they lashed each other with tongues that stung,
That smote as with a rod;
Each glared in the face of his fellow man,
And wrathfully talked of God.
Then each man parted and went his way,
As their different courses ran;
And each man journeyed with war in his heart,
And hating his fellow man.

-Sam Walter Foss

Exhausting a Thesaurus

Exhausting a thesaurus, a long suffering soul who dwelt near a railroad, wrote to the company as follows:

Gentlemen:
Why is it that your switch engine has to ding and dong, and fizz and spit and clang and. bang and buzz and hiss and bell and wail and pant and rant and howl and yowl and grate and grind and puff and bump and click and clank and chug and moan and hoot and toot and crash and grunt and grasp and groan and whistle and wheeze and squeak and blow and jar and jerk and rasp and jingle and twang and clang and rumble and jangle and ring and clatter and yelp and howl and hum and snort and puff and growl and thump and boom and clash and jolt and jostle and shake and screech and snarl and slam and throb and crink and quiver and rumble and roar and rattle and yell and smoke and smell and shriek like - well - all night long?

To Preserve Children

To PRESERVE CHILDREN:
Take one large grassy field, one-half dozen children, two or three small dogs, a pinch of brook and some pebbles. Mix the children and dogs well together and put them in the field, stirring constantly. Pour the brook over the pebbles; sprinkle the field with flowers; spread over all a deep blue sky and bake in the hot sun. When brown, remove and set to cool in the bathtub. -Unknown

In Defense of Nellie

Eatin' her head off, is she?
Too old to be any good?
If you was me you'd sell her?
Mebbe you would!
Mebbe your way is business;
That's nuther here nor there;
I ain't talkin' business
That's my mare!

When I bought this place I got 'er;
She helped me to clear this land;
And she carried me to see your mother. . .
D'ye understand?
And I'm never gonna sell 'er,
Nor either give 'er away;
And she'll get her oats, young feller,
Twice a day.

hunter philosophy

An artist who paints a bird in its living colors or stalks an elephant or rhinoceros in his native liberty with a movie camera is a thousand times better sportsman, than the malignant idiot who shoots them and gets photographed sitting on the corpse.

Killing time

Killing time is not murder - it's suicide.

To miss a kiss

To miss a kiss
Is more amiss
Than it would be
To kiss a miss;
Provided that
The kiss you miss
The miss herself
Would never miss.
But if you try
To kiss a miss
With whom a kiss
Would be amiss
You'd better always
Miss the kiss.

Do You Fear The Wind

Do you fear the force of the wind,
The slash of the rain?
Go face them and fight them,
Be savage again.
Go hungry and cold like the wolf,
Go wade like the crane;
The palms of your hands will thicken,
The skin of your cheek will tan,
You'll grow ragged and weary and swarthy,
But you'll walk like a man.

Hamlin Garland

the Angel

Carve me an angel, sculptor, and let your stone be white,
So white that it will shimmer, reflecting back the light;
Give it a semblance, sculptor, a form and shape like this:
A lassie wee and drowsy, who gives a goodnight kiss,
Too weary from all her playing to open her lips to speak
And carve the chubby fingers that touch her mother's cheek;
Ah, and she needs no halo-simply a wayward curl;
That is an angel, sculptor-somebody's little girl.
Carve us a mother holding her baby in her arms,
Wonderful, tender, hopeful, sweet she must be and wise,
And with the light of heaven glimmering in her eyes.
That is an angel, sculptor-see that you carve it sure,
Showing the love that surges out from a soul all pure.
Carve me an angel, sculptor. Carve us a woman, old,
And grave in all the wrinkles her withered cheeks must hold
Wrinkles that tell of sorrow, lines that the laughs have left,
Give her the knotted fingers no longer quick and deft;
Bend her with stress of toiling, bow her with weight of years,
Show us the golden beauty wrought of her smiles and tears;
Tell in the stone the story, how she is wan and worn
Through all her self denial for the ones that she has borne.
That is an angel, sculptor. Grave it, and carve it so,
And all the world will see it- see it, and bow, and know.

Wilbur D. Nesbit
From Mr. Nesbit's book, "The Paths of Long Ago."

Perseverance

We must not hope to be mowers
And to gather the ripe gold ears,
Unless we have first been sowers
And watered the furrows with tears.
It is not just as we take it,
This mystical world of ours;
Life's field will yield as we make it
A harvest of thorns or of flowers.

Goethe

The Workaday Trio

If your nose is close to the grindstone rough
And you hold it down there long enough,
In time you'll say there is no such thing
As brooks that babble, or birds that sing;
These three will all your world compose
Just you - the stone - and your poor old nose.

Yet buds do blossom, and lanes are green,
And woods do lure with an ardor keen,
And leaves are rustling and skies are there,
No matter whether you see or care;
And how can they come, do you suppose,
To you, and the stone, and your poor old nose?

If to go and seek them you still refuse,
It doesn't hurt them - it's you that lose.
For the zephyrs whisper and lovers sigh,
Whatever you doubt, disclaim, deny!
And the world's a rhyme - while you're but prose
Yes, you, and the stone, and your poor old nose.

Berton Braley

Machiavelli's 27 “general rules” of war

Machiavelli’s Fabrizio offers 27 “general rules” of war

 What benefits the enemy, harms you; and what benefits you, harm the enemy.
Whoever is more vigilant in observing the designs of the enemy in war, and endures much hardship in training his army, will incur fewer dangers, and can have greater hope for victory.
Never lead your soldiers into an engagement unless you are assured of their courage, know they are without fear, and are organized, and never make an attempt unless you see they hope for victory.
 It is better to defeat the enemy by hunger than with steel; in such victory fortune counts more than virtu.
No proceeding is better than that which you have concealed from the enemy until the time you have executed it.
To know how to recognize an opportunity in war, and take it, benefits you more than anything else. Nature creates few men brave, industry and training makes many.
Discipline in war counts more than fury.
 If some on the side of the enemy desert to come to your service, if they be loyal, they will always make you a great acquisition; for the forces of the adversary diminish more with the loss of those who flee, than with those who are killed, even though the name of the fugitives is suspect to the new friends, and odious to the old.
It is better in organizing an engagement to reserve great aid behind the front line, than to spread out your soldiers to make a greater front.
He is overcome with difficulty, who knows how to recognize his forces and those of the enemy.
 The virtu of the soldiers is worth more than a multitude, and the site is often of more benefit than virtu.
New and speedy things frighten armies, while the customary and slow things are esteemed little by them: you will therefore make your army experienced, and learn (the strength) of a new enemy by skirmishes, before you come to an engagement with him.
Whoever pursues a routed enemy in a disorganized manner, does nothing but become vanquished from having been a victor.
Whoever does not make provisions necessary to live (eat), is overcome without steel.
Whoever trusts more in cavalry than in infantry, or more in infantry than in cavalry, must settle for the location.
If you want to see whether any spy has come into the camp during the day, have no one go to his quarters.
Change your proceeding when you become aware that the enemy has foreseen it.
Counsel with many on the things you ought to do, and confer with few on what you do afterwards. When soldiers are confined to their quarters, they are kept there by fear or punishment; then when they are led by war, (they are led) by hope and reward.
Good Captains never come to an engagement unless necessity compels them, or the opportunity calls them.
Act so your enemies do not know how you want to organize your army for battle, and in whatever way you organize them, arrange it so that the first line can be received by the second and by the third. In a battle, never use a company for some other purpose than what you have assigned it to, unless you want to cause disorder.
Accidents are remedied with difficulty, unless you quickly take the facility of thinking.
Men, steel, money, and bread, are the sinews of war; but of these four, the first two are more necessary, for men and steel find money and bread, but money and bread do not find men and steel. The unarmed rich man is the prize of the poor soldier.
Accustom your soldiers to despise delicate living and luxurious clothing.

Woodrow Wilson's favorite limericks

As a beauty I am not a star,
There are others more handsome by far,
But my face, I don't mind it.
For I am behind it;
 It's the people in front that I jar.

 Ruth rode in my new cycle cart
 In the seat in back of me;
 I took a bump at fifty-five,
 And rode on ruthlessly.

The Force of Habit

Business is dull; can't sell a thing,
The dog won't play; the canary won't sing,
The radio statics; the wife has the flu;
Got a bill today saying, "The rent is due."
Tires are all flat on the family bus,
Got a thousand things to make me cuss.
Yet I met a friend on the street today,
Who had the ungodly nerve to say:
"How are you, old top? You're looking fine,
Without even a worry to burden your mind."
I answered him back, strange, but it's true:
"I'm fine, old fellow, how's things by you?"
This is the thought I wish to bring
The Force of Habit is a Powerful Thing!

Frank L. Adams

The Meeting

One day in Paradise
Two angels, beaming, strolled
Along the amber walk that lies
Beside the street of gold.

At last they met and gazed
Into each other's eyes,
Then dropped their harps, amazed,
And stood in mute surprise.

And other angels came,
And, as they lingered near,
Heard both at once exclaim:
"Say, how did you get here?"

S. E. Kiser

Blind Love

She knows her groceries, I guess;
She knows her onions, I confess;
She knows more than I can express.
I know you couldn't realize
How much she knows, she is so wise
On any theme she can advise.
She knows the things that I do not
(And that is saying quite a lot);
When she speaks, all I say is, "What?"
I only wish that I could tell
The things she does one-half so well,
But I am just a plain dumbbell.
She is as wise as she can be,
But there's one thing she cannot see,
And that is - why she married me!

Van H. Eshelman

The Statesman

The statesman throws his shoulders back and straightens out his tie,
And says, "My friends, unless it rains the weather will be dry."
And when this thought into our brains has percolated through,
We common people nod our heads and loudly cry, "How true!"
The statesman blows his massive nose and clears his august throat,
And says, "The ship will never sink so long as it's afloat."
Whereat we roll our solemn eyes, applaud with main and might,
And slap each other on the back, the while we say, "He's right!"
The statesman waxes stern and warm, his drone becomes a roar,
He yells, "I say to you, my friends, that two and two make four!"
And thereupon our doubts dissolve, our fears are put to rout,
And we agree that here's a man who knows what he's about.

Walt Mason

Craftsmanship

To the man who is ever in earnest,
Who is proud of the words, "well done,"
Who sees in his toil the stepping stone,
To his birthright under the sun;

Who delights in the lore of his life work
And thinks of the golden day.
When work was done by the masters
In a loving, devotional way;
Who revives for the sake of the spirit
The soul of his dignified trade;
And feels that the type he composes,
Are things that his God has made;

Who sees with his eyes wide open
The joys of this life worth-while,
When drudgery, toil, is forgotten
Is dispersed with the light of a smile;
Who knows that his work day is pregnant
With a host of troublesome care,
But who feels that his labor is honest,
Abounding in peace, unaware;

To the man who is really in earnest,
Who knows that each sunshiny day
Is blessed by the work he produces,
Which is measured not merely by pay,
Is given the honor of Craftsman,
Who works for the pleasure it brings;
Whose days are resplendent and happy
In the doing of beautiful things.

Clyde B. Morgan

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
 Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods there be
 For my unconquerable soul.

 In the fell clutch of circumstance
 I have not winced nor cried aloud;
Under the bludgeonings of chance 
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

 Beyond this place of wrath and tears 
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
 Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
 How charged with punishment the scroll
 I am the master of my fate,
 I am the captain of my soul!

William. E. Henley

love

Love is the only how on life's dark cloud. It is the morning and the evening star. It shines upon the babe, and sheds its radiance on the quiet tomb. It is the Mother of Art, the inspirer of poet, patriot and philosopher. It is the air and light to tired souls-builder of every home, kindler of every fire on every hearth. It was the first to dream of immortality. It fills the world with melody---enchanter that changes worthless things to joy, and makes right-loyal kings and queens of common clay. It is the perfume of that wondrous flower, he heart, and without that sacred passion, that divine swoon, we are less than beasts; but with it, earth is heaven and we are gods.

 Robert G. Ingersoll

George Washington's words of wisdom

It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Think before you speak. In your apparel be modest.
Wherein you reprove another, be unblamable yourself.
 Let your heart feel for the afflictions and distresses of everyone.
 Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; true friendship is a plant of slow growth.

George Washington

the way to succeed

"Be up to date," says the Calendar.
 "Push," says the Button.
"Take Pains," said the Window.
"Never be led," warns the Pencil.
 "Make Light of Everything," says the Fire.
 "Be sharp in your dealings," says the Knife.
 "When you find a good thing, stick to it," advises the Glue.

what is a home

A London magazine recently asked its subscribers what a home is, and received over eight hundred answers. Out of these, six were selected as the best.

Here they are:
"Home--A world of strife shut out, a world of love shut in."
 "Home--A place where the small are great, and the great are small."
 "Home--The father's kingdom, the mother's world, and the child's paradise."
 "Home-- The place where we grumble the most and are treated the best."
 "Home-- The center of our affection, round' which our heart's best wishes twine."
 "Home-- The place where our stomachs get three square meals a day and our hearts, a thousand."