Practical Education

A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into 'oL country schoolhouse. "This here boy's arter larnin'," he announced. "What's yer bill O' fare?" "Our curriculum, sir," corrected the schoolmaster, "embraces geography, arithmetic, trigonometry" “That'll do," interrupted the father. "That'll do. Load him up well with the triggernometry. He's the only poor idiot in the family."

A Vagabond at the Gate

What is this strife and worry all about,
This building up and tearing down of things?
I know a wood where birds flit in and out,
And the west wind sings.

What of the sobs and hate-words that I hear,
This shouting and mad barter in the street?
I know a calm hill where the stars seem near
And the airs are sweet.

What of the power that passes in a breath,
This digging for the buried gates of Doom?
I know a vale where echoes laugh at Death,
And the wild flowers bloom.

-Glenn Ward Dresbach

Teaching your Wife to Drive the Car

Now we're all set. Just turn the jigger over and push on the hickey with your left hand and pull down on that other little jimcrack with your right, then press down the doodad with your foot and pull the thingumbob at the same time and when it starts you push down on the doofunny with your left foot and yank the umptydiddy back, then let up on the foot dingus and put your other foot on the hickey-madoodle; and don't forget to push down on the hootnanny every time you move the whatyou maycallit, and you'll be hunky-dorey, see?"

Shabby Old Dad

His collar is frayed, and his trousers unpressed;
He's not a bit fussy the way he is dressed,
But he's always ready to help out the rest¬
Shabby old dad

His shirts have queer stripes, and they're old-fashioned quite;
His ties are in strings, and they're never tied right.
His last year's straw hat is a terrible sight¬
Shabby old dad

His shoes need a shine, and his cuff links are tin;
He does sometimes shave, but his top hair is thin;.
You hardly would say he was neat as a pin¬
Shabby old dad

Shabby old dad, with his heart full of woes,
And so much to think of besides buying clothes;
With the kids needing food, and the money!
God knows
Shabby old dad

If there is a Heaven where peace can enfold
A life lived for others, a heart that's pure gold,
He'll go there, and live there in glory untold¬
Shabby old dad!

-Anne Campbell

True Verses

One day an angel came and asked a king,
Sated with power, with love of pomp and gold,
Four things that God must dearly love, to bring
And set them in his presence, so 'tis told.

The king went forth and came again ere night,
And set before the angel in that hour
A jewelled crown, a scepter gleaming bright,
A battle weapon, and a throne of power.

The angel's face grew shaded as he gazed
Upon the king's poor playthings gathered there.
At last his countenance again was raised.
He said: "These are the trappings pride must wear.
But God's great kingdom knows a richer worth:
A truer value is its high concern."
"Go," pled the king, "and from the mighty earth
Bring me these things, I wait for thy return."
"'Nay, come with me," the angel said, "and I,
Tho I may lead a long and weary way,
Will show you what is best beneath the sky."
These are the things he showed the king that day:
A friendly life that served unselfishly,
A flower that grew in sweetness undefiled,
A fireside where were love and purity,
The unspoiled spirit of a little child.

-Clarence E. Flynn

Matches

I have a box of matches and they go
 To light a fire for warmth, a pipe for peace,
A lamp for guidance, or the candle's glow
 For friendliness when daylight labors cease;
Or one may come to nothing - broke in two,
 Or in the ashes shed its scarlet crown,
Or scorch your fingers, burn a carpet through,
 Or lay brick in ruins, or a town.
So they are spent, and vanish one by one,
 Brief altar-flames to happiness or strife.
What shall I do when all of them are gone?
 The matches are my years, the box my life.

 -F. H. in London Observer

The Quandry

You seem to think it strange, that I should be
So undecided, when you ask me
If I love you! . . . but, when I tell you all . . .
Then you shall say, if I have heard love's call.

I always thought that Love was like a blaze
A flaming torch  . . . whose blinding light would daze
You with its glare  . . . but. . . strange as it may be
This devastating flame's unknown to me.

Since I met you. . . a peaceful sort of calm
Reigns in my heart. . . I feel its wondrous charm
All through the day. . . It brings a thrill serene. . .
Which makes the skies more blue. . . the grass more green.

I want to be with you! . . . I want to feel
The daily joys you feel! . . . I'd like to steal
Beneath your skin!... To breathe the breath you breathe
To be a part of you. . . our thoughts to wreathe.

I'd like to comfort you as mothers do
Their tiny babes! . . . To run my fingers through
Your tousled hair! . . To soothe your frowns away,
If things went wrong for you throughout the day.

If I could be your guiding star through life,
I'd lead you o'er the paths where care and strife
Are quite unknown! . . . for when we are apart
A wistful longing seems to fill my heart.

And now I've bared my soul to you. . . you know
The secret thoughts which in my heart I stow
So, let me whisper softly in your ear,
If this be love . . . then I adore you, dear.

-Coralie Alice McEZraty

a Trumpet

A youth possessed a trumpet, and it was simply grand
He planned to be a trumpeter performing in a band.
And so upon this instrument he practiced every day
Which often made his neighbors wish that he would move away.

He practiced long, he practiced late, he played "Do so mi fa!"
And "Tumty-tum I" and "Toot-tee-toot!" and tikewisd "Ta-ra-ra."
And sometimes it seemed more than all the neighbors well could bear,
But if he guessed their sentiments, he simply didn't care!

One day he struck a heavy note, and then this earnest lad
He blew into that instrument with all the breath he had!
And so much energy he put into this piercing note,
He blew-believe these words or not ! a tonsil from his throat.

Words

Words that are bitter should never be spoken,
Black, angry words that pierce like a dart,
For Jove can be blighted and friendship be broken
By the sting and the sorrow they bring to the heart.

But even more deadly, more cruel and more fearsome
Are words that are whispered - God shudders with pain
At the thought of the brave, noble souls that have perished
The innocent victims that slander has slain.

But sweet words of kindness, like jewels they glisten.
Who can measure their worth? It is priceless indeed.
Only God can keep record of all they accomplish
They build the foundation for every great deed.

-Katherine Edelman

reaching the top

"The reason so few reach the top is because no successful method has yet been devised by which a person may sit down and slide up hill."

The Little Dog Angel

High up in the courts of Heaven to-day
A little dog-angel waits;
With the other angels he will not play,
But he sits alone at the gates;
"For I know that my master will come," says he:
"And when he comes he will call for me."

He sees the spirits that pass him by
As they hasten towards the Throne.
And he watches them with a wistful eye
As he sits at the gates alone;
"But I know if I just wait patiently
That some day my master will come," says he.

And his master, far on the earth below,
As he sits in his easy chair,
Forgets sometimes, and he whistles low
For the dog that is not there;
And the little dog-angel cocks his ears,
And dreams that his master's call he hears.

And I know, where at length his master waits
Outside in the dark and cold
For the hand of Death to open the gates
That lead to those courts of gold,
The little dog-angels eager bark
Will comfort his soul in the shivering dark.

-Norah M. Holland

A Woman's Question

I am fair and young, but the rose will fade
 From my soft young cheek one day;
Will you love then, mid the falling leaves,
 As you did mid the bloom of May?
Is your heart an ocean so strong and deep
 I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
 On the day she is made a bride.

 I require all things that are grand and true,
 All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
 To be all you demand of me.
If you can not do this a laundress and cook
 You can hire with little pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
 Are not to be won that way.

 -Elizabeth Browning

Met His Match

He had fought the polar bear
And the lion in his lair,
He had monkeyed with gorillas on the shores of Benguela;
With a boa constrictor big
He had often danced a jig,
And he kept a petted monster of the dread name of Gila.

He had ridden on the tail
Of a North Pacific whale,
He'd attended shark reunions off the coast of Madagascar;
He had flipped the heel and toe
With an elephant or so,
And had fought a dozen duels with the deep and deadly Lascar.

But he took himself a wife
In the very prime of life,
And she sent him out for ribbons and some things that he might fetch her;
And he started on a hop
To the very nearest shop;
But just fifteen minutes later he was brought home on a stretcher.

-Thomas L. Masson

Tragedy

I always wanted a red balloon
 It only cost a dime,
But Ma said it was risky;
 They broke so quickly
 And besides she didn't have time.
 And even if she did, she didn't
 Think they were worth a dime.
We lived on a farm, and I only went
 To one circus and fair,
And all the balloons I ever saw were there.
There were yellow ones and blue ones
 But the kind I liked the best
 Were red, and I don't see why
She couldn't have stopped and said
That maybe I could have one
 but she didn't I suppose that now
 You can buy them anywheres,
 And that they still sell red ones
At circuses and fairs.
 I got 'a little money saved;
 I got a lot of time.
 got no one to tell me how
And where to spend my dime;
Plenty of balloons-but somehow
 There's something died inside of me
 And I don't want one now.

Jill Spargur

Books

It is surprising how some seemingly insignificant happening can change the course of a man's existence. A line read somewhere, a glimpse of a picture, a word spoken, and his whole philosophy is transformed. For instance, there was a young fellow wandering aimlessly through life and he came across these words: "A man is himself plus the books he reads."
And it happened that after the young man read those words, he did not wander along aimlessly any more. And yet, comparatively speaking, a library is about the emptiest building in town.

The Only Cure

If you don't feel just right,
If you can't sleep at night,
If you moan and you sigh,
And your throat feels dry,
If you don't care to smoke,
If your food makes you choke,
If your heart doesn't beat,
If you're getting cold feet,
If your head's in a whirl
¬Why not marry the girl?
-Unknown

Aging

WAH TO BLAH
When we are very, very young,
 We cry out Wah, Wah, Wah;
 And later on, we are supposed
 To gurgle Gah, Gah, Gah.

It isn't long till we are coaxed
 To prattle Dali, Dah, Dah;
And soon a vocal teacher starts
 Us singing Lah, Lah, Lah.

We also spend a lot of time
 At shouting Rah, Rah, Rah;
 And when we get too old for that,
 We mutter Blah, Blah, Blah.

Phil Maurer

Their Last Words

"It is well."-Washington.
 "I must sleep now."-Byron.
"Let the light enter."-Goethe.
 "Let me hear those notes so long my solace and delight." -Mozart.
 "Let us cross over the river and rest under the shade of the trees."-Stonewall Jackson. .
 "Throw up the window that I may once more see the magnificent scene of nature."-Rousseau.

Keep Your Tongue

"The boneless tongue, so small and weak,
 Can crush and kill," declared the Greek.
 "The tongue destroys a greater horde,"
 The Turk asserts, "than does the sword."
The Persian proverb wisely saith, 
"A lengthy tongue-an early death."
Or sometimes take this form instead:
 "Don't let your tongue cut off your head."
 "The tongue can speak a word whose speed,"
 Say the Chinese, "outstrips the steed."
 While Arab sage doth this impart:
"The tongue's great storehouse is the heart."
 From Hebrew wit the maxim sprung,
 "Though feet do slip, never let the tongue."
 The sacred writer crowns the whole:
 "Who keeps his tongue doth keep his soul"

 -Unknown

For A First Night in Heaven

You see, dear Lord, Miss Sally never married,
And though she rocked many a babe to sleep,
They were merely loaned, they were not hers
To look upon with mother pride and keep.

She nursed new babies fully fifty years
She loved them when they smiled and when they cried.
I know tonight she'll miss her little ones,
For just one hour ago Miss Sally died.

She was my friend, and sensing how she feels,
I thought I'd write a note to tell you this;
So if you see her weeping you will know
She wants a little one to soothe and kiss.

On her first night in Heaven, please, dear Lord,
Give her a tiny one to rock to sleep
She'd rather have it than a golden harp.
She'll understand it's not her own to keep.

-Rosa Zagnoni Marinom

One that is very similar http://better-than-palgrave.blogspot.com/2014/08/prayer-for-very-new-angel.html

creating women

Tzashtri, the god Vulcan of the Hindu mythology, created the world, but on his commencing to create woman he discovered that for man he had exhausted all his creative materials, and that not one solid element had been left.
 This, of course, greatly perplexed Tzashtri, and caused, him to fall into profound meditation. When he arose from his meditation he proceeded like this:
 He took The roundness of the moon;
The undulating curve of the serpent;
The graceful twist of the creeping plant;
The light shivering of the grass-blade and the slenderness of the willow;
The velvet of the flowers;
The lightness of the feather;
The frolicsomeness of the dancing sunbeam;
The tears of the cloud;
The inconsistency of the wind;
The timidity of the hare;
The vanity of the peacock;
The hardness of the diamond;
The cruelty of the tiger;
The chill of the snow;
The cackling of the parrot;
The cooing of the turtle-dove;
All these he mixed together and formed a woman.

Advice to the thin:

"Advice to the thin: Don't eat fast! Advice to the fat: Don't eat, fast!"

Mark Twain humor

Mark Twain in his early days was editor of a Missouri newspaper. A superstitious subscriber wrote him, saying that he had found a spider in his paper, and asked whether that was a sign of good or bad luck. The humorist wrote this answer and printed it: "Old Subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store, spin his web across the door, and live a life of undisturbed peace ever afterwards."

knowing the future

One of the most humane things the designer of this world did was to plan his system so that we are ignorant of the future. If we knew exactly what would happen to us a year from today, two years or ten years from. today, many of us would quit right where we stand. When the stock market crashed some years ago, we who had been playing a game we knew nothing about lost money. If we had known a year before that all our life's savings would -be swept away some day, many of us would have found no incentive to keep on. There is a story told about a man who had been worrying over heavy losses that had reduced his millions to a bare pittance.
One day a fairy came to this man and told him she would grant him anyone wish he might make. The man thought a few minutes, and then said, "My wish is to see a newspaper published one year from today." Immediately the fairy handed him the newspaper published exactly a year in advance. He turned quickly to' the financial page, ran his fingers nervously up and down the list of stocks, and leaping from his chair shouted, "Hurrah! I'm worth fifteen million dollars. Isn't that wonderful?" Then carelessly turning over to the obituary page his glance fell on a report that made him gasp, "Great Heavens! I died two days ago!"

Odium Theologicum

They met and they talked where the crossroads meet,

Four men from the four winds come,
And they talked of the horse, for they loved the theme,
And never a man was dumb.
And the man from the North loved the strength of the horse,
And the man from the East his pace,
And the man from the South loved the speed of the horse,
The man from the West his grace.

So these four men from the four winds come,
Each paused a space in his course
And smiled in the face of his fellow man
And lovingly talked of the horse.
Then each man parted and went his way
As their different courses ran;
And each man journeyed with peace in his heart
And loving his fellow man.

They met the next year where the crossroads meet,
Four men from the four winds come;
And it chanced as they met that they talked of God,
And never a man was dumb.
One imaged God in the shape of a man.
A spirit did one insist;
One said that nature itself was God,
One said that he didn't exist.

But they lashed each other with tongues that stung,
That smote as with a rod;
Each glared in the face of his fellow man,
And wrathfully talked of God.
Then each man parted and went his way,
As their different courses ran;
And each man journeyed with war in his heart,
And hating his fellow man.

-Sam Walter Foss