Sunday, August 24, 2014

Husbands (A Little Girl's Essay)

Husbands is the people that your mama marries, and she always wishes that she hadn't picked out the one she did, but I don't know why, because husbands all look alike to me.

My mama says that husbands is like the things that you buy on the bargain table; they look fine and grand so that you feel like you'll die if you don't get the one that you have set your eyes on, and you fight with another woman for it and are ready to pull her hair and scratch her face to get it, but after you get it and take it home with you, it looks like thirty cents, and you spend your life wondering what made you fool enough to want it.

Husbands is very kind and polite to strange women, and they laugh themselves most to death when the pretty slim young ladies tell jokes, but when their wives are forty years old, and has gotten fat, husbands is grouchy, and when their wives tells a funny story all they say is "Huh." I guess husbands is the smartest people in the world and knows the most because they sit up all the evening and read the paper, and never waste any time talking to their wives.

I guess husbands is a kind of fish, because I heard some ladies say that Miss Susie Jones was fishing for Mr. Brown, but they didn't think that she'd ever hook him, and when I asked my papa what that meant, he said that it meant that men were suckers, and that if they weren't none of them would ever get married.

There used to be a great many husbands, and you could go out and catch one just as easy as you could go out and kill a buffalo for breakfast, but every year they get fewer and fewer, and they don't roam the plain any more, and soon there won't be any more buffaloes and husbands left except those in captivity.

Most ladies is only got one husband, but the ladies that have traveled and has been as far west as Reno, or over to Paris, sometimes has a collection of husbands.

There are two kinds of husbands. A good husband is a man what gives you plenty of money to go shopping with, and goes downtown to work every morning at eight o'clock and doesn't come home until six, and a husband that is a mean old thing is the one that makes his wife buy things on a bill, so he can see how she spent the money, and who goes snooping around the kitchen seeing how thick the cook pares the potato peelings, and who stays at home all day.

A husband is a useful animal to have around the house, for it pays the bills. I am going to have a husband when I am grown up.


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